Some Real Answer Phone Messages

Some years ago I misdialed a telephone number, and instead of hearing

a familiar voice on the other end of the line, I was mesmerized by a

soothing female voice saying something like this:

Hallo, I am the house angel, this lovely family isn't home right now,

they're out enjoying themselves with friends, my sister, also an angel

is looking out for them while they're away from home.

I don't remember the rest of that strange yet lovely message, and it was im-

possible to get back for a re-run of what else she had to say.

* * * * * * * * * *

Here a few more strange answer phone messages.

Hello, caller number 9, you're on the air.

You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where

sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost

up ahead...this is no ordinary telephone answering device.....

you have reached, "The Twilight Phone."

(In a bored voice;) Heaven, God speaking.......!

Lucifer speaking, who the hell do you want?

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company I

already sent you the money. If you are my parents, please

send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you don't

lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Now I lay me down to sleep; please leave a message after the beep.

If I die before I wake, don't forget to erase the tape.