Real Notes to British Milkmen

Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep
pecking the tops of the milk.

Milkman, could I have a loaf, but no bread today?

Please cancel milk, I have nothing coming into the house but 2 sons
on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby
and I've been carrying it around for weeks.

When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake
me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

My daughter says she wants a milkshake, do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?

Milk is needed for the baby, father is unable to supply it, from now on
leave 2 pints every other day, and 1 pint on the days inbetween, ex-
cept Wednesday and Saturday when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open, please put milk in the fridge, get money out
of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence be-
cause we want to play Bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today, when I say today I mean tomorrow
for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk, please leave the coal on the boiler, let the
dog out and put the newspaper inside the screendoor.
PS. Don't leave any milk. No milk!